I have a female friend who recently told me her list of attributes for her ideal man: "He will adore me, love me, pay me a lot of attention...essentially baby me." Most women have a similar list (as it's dispersed at the weekly Sisterhood meeting.) While it sounds nice and romantic on paper, this is exactly not what to look for in a man.
You may love a man who worships the ground you walk on, but it means one of two things: they're a loser or they're controlling. Either way, they see you as object not as a person. If they're a loser, they bow before you like you're an idol of an ancient god. If they're controlling, you're just a trophy, arm candy.
The worse of the two, of course, is the controlling man. This is why so many women find themselves in bad relationships. These men are usually wonderful in the beginning - incredibly sweet, thoughtful, focused solely on you. "Oh, I've just met him and he's already bought me flowers!" "Oh, he sent me an e mail telling me he hopes I have a wonderful day and I only met him over the weekend!" "I've known him for three weeks and we always eat at the best restaurants and he pays!" "He wrote me a love poem, a guy I've known for a week!" "He bought me jewelry and we're not even at the third date yet!"
If you meet a man like this - run.
The man is buying your affection with either money or flattery. When you're finally sold, he'll expect a return on his investment. That means you becoming who he wants you to be - your appearance, who you can and can't talk to. Pretty soon you'll be wondering what happened to the ultra-, uber-, super-sweet guy who was bending over backwards to impress you, and how you fell for it in the first place.
What you should want is respect and trustworthiness. Respect is sitting across from you at a table, having coffee, and being genuinely interested in what you have to say, how you feel and what you think. Trustworthiness is the person coming through when it really matters, in a way that really matters. Which would mean more to you? A dinner in an expensive restaurant only to impress you, or you being exhausted after work, dreading having to go home and cook supper, and he calls and says he's cooked supper for you at his place, or he's on his way over with your favorite take-out?
A guy who may call an hour later than he said he would, or show up a few minutes late for a date, but always holds the door open for you; calls to ask how your appointment or meeting went; there for you when you just want someone to listen; that's who you want to be with.
It's not flashy. It's not bouquets of flowers and love poems. It's a real person, faults and all, trying to get to know you. Not someone trying to get you.
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