"Can't Buy Me Love"

I have a female friend who recently told me her list of attributes for her ideal man: "He will adore me, love me, pay me a lot of attention...essentially baby me." Most women have a similar list (as it's dispersed at the weekly Sisterhood meeting.) While it sounds nice and romantic on paper, this is exactly not what to look for in a man.

You may love a man who worships the ground you walk on, but it means one of two things: they're a loser or they're controlling. Either way, they see you as object not as a person. If they're a loser, they bow before you like you're an idol of an ancient god. If they're controlling, you're just a trophy, arm candy.

The worse of the two, of course, is the controlling man. This is why so many women find themselves in bad relationships. These men are usually wonderful in the beginning - incredibly sweet, thoughtful, focused solely on you. "Oh, I've just met him and he's already bought me flowers!" "Oh, he sent me an e mail telling me he hopes I have a wonderful day and I only met him over the weekend!" "I've known him for three weeks and we always eat at the best restaurants and he pays!" "He wrote me a love poem, a guy I've known for a week!" "He bought me jewelry and we're not even at the third date yet!"

If you meet a man like this - run.

The man is buying your affection with either money or flattery. When you're finally sold, he'll expect a return on his investment. That means you becoming who he wants you to be - your appearance, who you can and can't talk to. Pretty soon you'll be wondering what happened to the ultra-, uber-, super-sweet guy who was bending over backwards to impress you, and how you fell for it in the first place.

What you should want is respect and trustworthiness. Respect is sitting across from you at a table, having coffee, and being genuinely interested in what you have to say, how you feel and what you think. Trustworthiness is the person coming through when it really matters, in a way that really matters. Which would mean more to you? A dinner in an expensive restaurant only to impress you, or you being exhausted after work, dreading having to go home and cook supper, and he calls and says he's cooked supper for you at his place, or he's on his way over with your favorite take-out?

A guy who may call an hour later than he said he would, or show up a few minutes late for a date, but always holds the door open for you; calls to ask how your appointment or meeting went; there for you when you just want someone to listen; that's who you want to be with.

It's not flashy. It's not bouquets of flowers and love poems. It's a real person, faults and all, trying to get to know you. Not someone trying to get you.

"Might As Well Face It You're Addicted To Love"

I have a friend who, last year, began to have romantic interest in someone who turned out to be an ex-drug addict. This person had been clean for a year, and had since given their life to God, but had become what non-believers derisively call a "Jesus Freak." They were all Jesus, all the time, making their new-found faith very known.

This person was very nice and thoughtful to my friend, showing them a lot of interest and attention. So much so that it caught my attention, in the wrong way. My friend is certainly worth this level of focus, but this person seemed overly-nice, overly-attentive - overboard.

Eventually, things deteriorated and this person left my friend's life. What it left me was the revelation that this person traded their addiction to drugs for an addiction to God and my friend. This person wasn't as much being healed of their addiction as they were using God and romantic interest in my friend to fill the void in them left by the drugs.

That void has to be filled, in all people. There's certainly nothing better to fill the void than God. He cleans up addicts every day. Miracles is His specialty. But, in this person's case, like with all addictions, the satisfaction is fleeting and you're looking for the next fix. I feel sure that in time this person will stop using God as a stop-gap measure and experience true healing of their addiction and a true relationship with Him.

Guard Your Life With Your Life

I've come to realize that our lives, given to us by whatever we believe in - God, the Universe - is like a brand new house. This house given to us (for me, by God) has beautiful hardwood floors, polished granite countertops, stylish fixtures and furniture. Would you allow people with dirty shoes to track mud across your new floor? Would you let people spill soft drinks all over your coffee table, beer all over your couch, or leave their dirty dishes on the kitchen table? Would you let them trash your bathroom or leave worn clothes all over the bedroom floor? Then, why would you let people who are bitter, angry or jealous into your life? Why would you let a friend stay who only takes from you, emotionally or by favors, but never gives to the friendship?

Our lives are gifts. Like people who we allow into our homes, we must only allow people in our lives who respect us and want a balanced, fifty-fifty, give-and-take friendship. Not a place for them to eat all your food, watch your satellite, and go home leaving a mess behind.